““What’s the use of falling in love if you both remain inertly as-you-were?” Mary McCarthy asked her friend Hannah Arendt in their correspondence about love. The question resonates because it speaks to a central necessity of love — at its truest and most potent, love invariably does change us, deconditioning our painful pathologies and elevating us toward our highest human potential. It allows us, as Barack Obama so eloquently wrote in his reflections on what his mother taught him about love, “to break across our solitude, and then, if we’re lucky, [be] finally transformed into something firmer.”” – https://www.brainpickings.org/2016/09/27/kahlil-gibran-the-prophet-love-marriage/
Total nonsense. Love is a choice. If we focus on how much love we are getting we lose sight on how much love we are giving. That is the transformation to a ‘better person’. We are made of thousands of characteristics. If I choose to ‘love’ (a meaningless word) 60% of yours and put up with the 40% I deem bullshit, then that’s a functional marriage because I am getting 60% of my satisfactions met. I prefer you have the following characteristics but only 60% are required because I’m not a damn perfectionist:
attractive to me
mentally/emotionally reasonable health
likes to dine out/coffee shop
likes healthy food
frank conversation willing to compromise
has at least one strong interest
liberal at least
life long educated learner
Then I can choose to be engaged with you to a intimate degree. I choose to be in love. I choose to care about you deeply because it is self helping.
I choose to accept everyone unconditionally, because that is self helping as well, but I don’t choose to be intimate emotionally or physically with very many. In order to find safety and trust I refer to my list and hopefully 60% satisfaction is what I have found.