Groundhog Day Abandonment

REBT Self-Help Form

What is the situation that you are upset about?

     Answer: Had a cabbie who was angry and demanding, my response was typical post stroke, unable to speak well and very emotional. I later called the dispatcher who was skeptical, both he and driver manipulating with fear anxiety and guilt, threatening to call Access and through implication that I would lose my Access privileges.

What are the unhealthy negative emotions that you are experiencing?

     Answer: anxiety, hurt, guilt.

What self-defeating behaviors would you like to change?

     Answer: self downing and withdrawing from Checker and Access services, and other other places that require being assertive to ask for what I want, like the restaurant.

What demand are you making about the situation?

     Answer: I must perform well or I am an inadequate worthless person

     Dispute: Is there any evidence that I am inadequate and worthless because I had a stroke and I really feel things, not easily shrugged off??

     Rational Belief: There is absolutely no evidence, it’s simply part of recovery of an injury

What are your new healthy negative emotions?

     Answer: sadness, annoyance, disappointment, concern

What are your new self-helping behaviors?

     Answer: I spoke to the access supervisor, who validated my concern, I can’t make others angry, that is their choice. And their consequences. Found a nicer restaurant where they take the time to listen to me.

Groundhog Day

Ok what does this remind me of? Constantly being dumped by my parent for sure, someone who is supposed to care for me, one who can’t totally care for himself.

Feb 1972, all my roomies moved leaving me with a big place, added a roomy, Ken McKasgill, from volunteering at the drug centre, but I worked too much to be available as he wished, so he moved. Also had a bad serious cold, as I had recently, driving Yellow cabs my first taxi job. Friends abandonment at a  Vancouver trip  at xmas. David Derbis wrongly accusing me of screwing Cath there, making it so uncomfortable, Gudrun grudgingly bought me a train ticket home,  F.O.G. ( Fear Obligation Guilt) all around. Drove taxi NYE very ill very cold, overindulged in feel good behaviors: smoked a lot of dope ate poorly, got evicted as Yellow gave me a .46 paycheck,  my sister wouldn’t let me sleep on her couch, my brother quit taking my calls, Gudrun fucked John Eastland, I left the relationship heartbroken..

Self helping actions I took at that time

Got a new apt, moved in,

Applied for E.I. even though the cab company said I was a contractor and got it, the cab company was fined for income tax evasion.

Found a new job driving ,made new friends, more money, however the guilt and depression, kept me from happiness and satisfaction with life.

Eventually I landed at Killarny taxi, due to the narcissism of Donny, my taxi employer, who abandoned everybody, including his daughter, a recent friend of mine, who will abandon me soon if she hasn’t already, bored like her Dad, and finding no more use for me.

Killarny was bought by Al, with his wife’s money, who saved him from whoring and drinking it away, before he eventually died young. I worked there off and on for 20 years getting dumped regularly and hired back, the narcissist creed, overvalue, undervalue, dump, rinse and repeat. My recreated family, a place I knew how to survive in, but at the cost of always waiting for the other shoe to drop, which it invariably did.

The last time they fired me, I went to art school, got an education and created a career for myself. I still used transport as a backup transitional needs job, and eventually as full time income in courier, I liked it, the money was steady, I worked alone.

I had a stroke when I was 64, a serious one, but experiencing a good recovery, expecting a good outcome, finding myself taking my old taxi companies’ cabs, part of handicapped Access, and experiencing how they inflict their fear obligation guilt of their dysfunctional family on the handicapped, through their drivers of choice.

So here I am feeling like I am back in that old place, overly involved in that family cab company threatened constantly waiting to be fired.

So I called the Access lady, a supervisor named something like Ashlynnd, and she was so cool, she said I couldn’t make the driver angry, if he treated me with anger, and threats, it was a customer service failure.

A management failure, a training failure. I have an injury I’m not supposed to be 100%,  I’m not always at my best. That’s why they gave me Access in the first place.

I don’t have secret mind powers that control the driver’s choices to abandon their training.

That they work in a dysfunctional family dynamic, where they are threatened, harassed, poorly trained, whatever, is really none of my business.

I no longer need to be enmeshed in anybodies dysfunctional family, theirs or my original one.

I fired them long ago, for cause; abuse and abandonment.

I see no reason to hire them back due to their lack of qualifications.

I will assert, accept and tolerate, and often, enjoy the drivers until I am more recovered, able to take the bus or get a car.