An Open Letter To My Past

Sorting Shit – artist unknown.

It wasn’t that bad, don’t be such a baby. Don’t worry about it. You are such a worrier. Comments like that from family and parent growing up.
It didn’t happen, if it did it wasn’t that bad.
This is how I was groomed, youngest child, to be Mom’s little helper for life. A family tradition. Uncle Charlie squelched his needs for communication companionship and sex with booze and A.A. to live with his Mom for life and care for her.
Tears are frustration, the frustration of loss.
I cried all the time.
I left Mom at age 14, older siblings long gone into foster care as young criminals, and hit the street, living in a squalid boarding house, on welfare. My remaining family of narcissists having dumped me, shamed me, guilted me, and threatened me. (FOG fear obligation guilt).
My brother became a trained mass murderer with poor impulse control in the military, who once broke into my house, threatened me with violence and stole my camera because he needed it, and tried on another occasion to sleep with my wife.
My sister when supposedly consoling me for yet another loss tried to sleep with me when drunk one night, she now runs Tantra Yoga sex groups.
My oldest brother refused to come to my Art School degree graduation because a diploma was OK but a degree was just ‘putting on airs’.
I mean these are awful awful people, who learned from and were deformed by my extremely conservative British bigoted Mom who grew up being raped by her stepfather and step brother on an island British colony where incest was the national sport.
My inevitable narcissist wife, Carol Graham, now a labour lawyer for management, promised love, and said all the right things. You can’t tell it’s bullshit without training in what to look for, withheld sex, then dumped me for protesting it, threatened suicide if I spoke of it, to a counselor, a common manipulation, divorced me because its all my fault, then married a rich banker, not a broke artist.
On top of the sexual frustration there was the old family frustration of it’s not that bad.
Minimizing and trivializing.
I smoked a lot of pot to mellow out between episodes of extreme frustration where I broke a lot of dishes.
After Carol dumped me, overvalue, undervalue, dump, I got into yoga to get out of pot, the computer age had arrived, I wanted my mind back. I wanted normal sleeps.
It turned out that cult recruitment like yoga seeks smart people in ‘transition’ misery really, and rapes them of their bank accounts, promising self esteem now and in the afterlife. They too, being narcissists, withhold sex, its called brahmacharya, institutionalized inappropriate self sacrifice.
They also dumped me as I didn’t have much money, the excuse (again) was I wanted to be an artist, and going to art school was an ‘indulgence in the senses’ as if that’s a bad thing.
I went to the hospital, depressed and anxious and saw a family therapist, got deprogrammed and treated with, and trained in, evidence based psychology, be your own therapist. REBT. For free.
While researching this I found an paper by its founder, The Case Against Religion, which showed me my sources of frustration with family and religion and faith based organizations even the political ones.
Basically, it didn’t happen, if it did it wasn’t that bad, now focus (by disregarding your needs ) on my ( the ashram, the church, the priest, AA, whatever) desires for money, free labour, priest-sex anything but your needs. These are real needs, you die without them, communication companionship and intimacy. People suicide without these things in their lives.
You are trained that self esteem is your God, you must aspire to have it, so you can be manipulated by threatening to take it away. If you have self esteem you can lose self esteem.
Self esteem is generated by (conditions) how much you give to the organization, how humble you are, by never mentioning it, how honest you are by telling all you shame secrets.
Then how fearful you are that they might be revealed. An extortion racket basically.
Ruthless isn’t a strong enough word.
REBT solves all this by teaching you dump self esteem, it’s a poison.
Instead rate your strategies for your own satisfaction.
Narcissist cult leaders, wifes, parents etc. hate your own satisfaction.
Talk to strangers, ask for what you want, a job, love, friendship, sex the usual satisfactions.
The narcissist will leave because they don’t have any of that to offer, they are in it to get, period, and your satisfactions don.t matter.
They say they do in the initial love bombing recruitment stage, but they are liars.
Just ask for what you want, they will scurry away to their dark holes, no communication, no frank conversation, no willingness to compromise.
Walk away, leave the mutual friends, the joint bank account, everything.
Choose peace.

Links and References

Yasodhara Ashram
Susan Oughtred was my cult recruiter I think she runs the joint now.

REBT
Will Ross was my online teacher, while he was dying of liver cancer, stubbornly refusing to upset himself over such a normal life process. He never asked for a dime.

Shrink4Men
Tare is my fav rational narcissism educator. Education is free, a fee for counselling services.