Anniversary

So. This is my anniversary.
20 years since smoking cessation
32 since habitual pot/booze was a factor in my life
I was very anxious
The people that I had counted on to nurture and protect me
Abandoned me as a child
Then they attacked me
Guilt, as it was all my fault, I was groomed to believe
I was responsible for the attack
I had asked people who had nothing to give
For what I wanted.
They hate that
They abandon and attack
Then smear
Overvalue Undervalue Dump Smear

This was my Mom, and siblings
My Dad died of lung cancer and left me in the care of a narcissist Mom
Who abdicated her responsibilities and left me to my animal siblings
Narcissists in training, nothing to give, abandonment & attacking
Grooming me to care for her
My only way to gain affection, as a reward.
Codependent in training
Groomed with Fear Obligation Guilt

So I learned not to ask for what I want to fear the guilt-attack consequence
Asking will get you abandoned, dumped
Raging at the world for not anticipating my needs
My needs are not a priority anyway I knew
So I never asked again All or Nothing became my life
Anxious to please to not get attacked and dumped

By age 12 I was a pack a day man.
Roll your owns, the only skill my mother taught me.
Because it was cheaper for her.
I had taught myself to tie my own shoes
And to read
When I ran from the bullies into the library
They knew I wouldn’t fight back
No one taught me to fight back
That it was OK to defend myself
To hurt others
As the slaves hurt the slave owners
By being free

I taught myself logistics of planning escape routes
From stupid violent people at age 6 who hunted me
I became the best dispatcher in the city
Fleets of 400 vehicles to manage for 20 years
The stupid people drove the cars
I the codependent took care of them

Holding my anger down with cigarettes and pot
Living in a drug induced haze
And anxiety
Is today the day I will get fired?
A self fulfilling prophecy.

So I went to my love
Art School
There I learned that the designers are codependent and please others
The Artists please themselves

As I started to ask for what I want, my wife threw me out
Narcissists manipulate by withholding sex
Almost impossible to tell till you are in it
The are overvalue-love-bombing and very convincing liars
I sought therapy
Assertiveness training
Cognitive rational therapy REBT
I deprogrammed me from over anxiety and rage
Yoga and religion down the drain too
No longer sucking my resources
With nothing to give back
Guilt-attacked for asking

I find that asking for what I want is still scary
There is a tension that exists before the relationship
Gets better
Or ends
Sometimes a risk is fun too
Being alone has the joys of solitude
So nothing to lose in the asking, reasonably

Sometimes at the gym I try to make friends
When I go I do stroke recovery these days
So many gym rats have nothing to offer
They see me as a gimp a crip a drain on their resources
The Yoga people are actively hostile
They are there to Look Good In Bed
Pissed that I ask for friendship in a coffee a chat
Whats your email I’ll get back to you
As sincere in their fake empathy as a used car salesman with his prospect
No proof in that pudding

Either way
Problem solved
I know where I stand
No longer in over anxiety
Sucking chemicals to feel better
Like my Dad who was abandoned and attacked by his
Awful angeraholic Scottish father and codependent Irish mother
They sent 6 of their kids to live at the Salvation Army
Their needs being an inconvenience
Dad killed his lungs with chemicals to the point of cancer at age 40
Self harming
To feel better
From the incest-like abuse
Of being attacked by the one you are supposed to trust
To care for you

So this is the anniversary of my self care initiation
Happy Birthday to me!

Heartbreak Alley

Heart broken
I am broken
I didn’t do relationship right
Obviously
Because she left
So
It’s all my fault
That she didn’t keep her promise
That she wasn’t loyal
That I am broken

or

She didn’t keep her promise
Because she is not sincere
She left because
I asked for what I want
To Deepen Relationship
She Had Nothing to Offer
She Didn’t Keep Her Promise
Of Love
Because She Is A Liar
She Slept With Another
Because She Is Bored
She Craves Chaos

conclusion

I am not Broken
Disappointed yes
Even Devastated
But Not Broken

Overvalue, Undervalue, Dump, Smear

From my family, particularly my Mother, to my siblings, acquaintances, through my spiritual search for connection that I didn’t receive at home, (my father died of a lung cancer he found in a coal mine); to co-workers and colleagues, my search for family and connection utopia brought only more pain that I was seeking to relieve.

I didn’t mention marriage in that list, for even though I went through the ceremony, there wasn’t even an attempt to sustain relationship from the partner who chose me and suggested the rites.

I was sought out, a victim of the hunt, of a predator, really a series of predators, searching for their utopia of never being bored. Hurt and vulnerable, intelligent, artistic and good looking I was the prime target, then the competitor to be killed, the person to be blamed for their mental health issues when it turned out that what I wanted was a boring old sane stable relationship where healthy people assert their rights and ask for what they want to deepen relationship. This, as it turns out, is the garlic repelling the vampire, they leave a trail of smear going out the door. Rinse repeat.

The problem with the list of my ‘crimes’ was that I believed them. I believed in belief. They had to leave, it was all my fault. I had asked for what I wanted, the cardinal sin. Since they had nothing to give, they left, blaming me.

The healing for the pain: Is there any evidence for the belief? This is the prime deprogramming question whether it is from being convinced of original sin in western Christianity, reincarnation because you are a loser in the Dali Lama’s Tibetan Buddhism, or my ‘wife’ who is controlling by withholding sex, similar to advanced yoga at the Ashram, by saying it is my fault due to poor technique because I asked for what I want.

Assertiveness training saved me. How to ask for what you want from people who scare you. I had a lot of scare. It turns out over-anxiety is a consequence of the belief that I can’t handle life and I must be liked. Evidence based psychology sustains me. Where is the evidence that I can’t handle life, and I must be liked? There never is any as here I am alive and capable of creating some form of satisfaction for myself. Based on pretty obvious evidence.

Where is your family? was often asked of me at the hospital during my 6 month stay doing stroke rehab. Why I’m right here, I would reply. Most thought I was brain damaged from the stoke I’m sure.

Any time I’ve been in trouble, those who were merely acquaintances, as it suddenly turned out, that I saw as close, similar to a family feeling of loyalty, fucked off.

Well we are not available to spend a week visiting was the put off from Rob and Rose, when I asked to crash at their house in Victoria. Not that I asked for that level of creepy closeness, I asked to be alone with the ocean after being dumped by a devastating narcissist. They had on 3 occasions come to live with me during the housing shortages when Rob returned to school. He went on to marry his daughter emotionally, started a business with her, his wife denying him by being sunk in depression. The kid becomes the wife, taking care of Dad’s emotional needs for partnership (at least), typically conservative (he’s an RCMP cop) by making relationship a business deal. A very competitive family, running a karate school cult, anxious and hostile with the wife and and daughter competing for Dad. Incest by any other name smells like shit.

The devastation and the damage, comes from believing that these losses are all my fault, that I asked for what I wanted, making them leave.

Recently Theresa a former girlfriend I had stayed in touch with on FB now living in Little Rock Arkansas took a trip back to visit family, and asked to visit me. A visit she found boring based on her lack of enthusiasm as she was doing a social chore. When I asked to deepen the connection by communicating on social media, she refused saying it felt like emotional infidelity. Nothing to offer, she left, smearing, going out the door. Blaming.

Rinse repeat.

I have been supposedly socially isolated for a couple of years now doing stroke recovery, but not really. I am grateful for social media, my social skills, and for my own company.

How to make L. reuteri yogurt: A step-by-step guide

Making yogurt out of Lactobacillus reuteri is really a simple, straightforward process that I have been talking about for the past year. But some people get tripped up on the details, lamenting the thin, sour, or discolored end-result they obtain.

So here is the simple recipe, step-by-step to minimize your potential for making mistakes. Truly: I have made something like 60-70 batches with not a single failure. You can do this, too.

Why do this? Well, if you are new to this conversation, you will be excited to know that the yogurt is really not about yogurt, as conventional yogurts achieve none of these effects. This “yogurt” fermented with two unconventional strains of Lactobacillus reuteri achieve effects that include:

    • Smoothing of skin wrinkles due to an explosion of dermal collagen
    • Accelerated healing, cutting healing time in almost half
    • Reduced appetite, the so-called “anorexigenic” effect—food still tastes good, but you are almost completely indifferent to temptation
    • Increased testosterone in men
    • Increased libido
    • Preservation of bone density—Obtaining L. reuteri is one of the most important steps you can take to prevent osteoporosis
    • Deeper sleep—though this benefit is enjoyed by less than 20% of people
    • Increased empathy and desire for connectedness with other people
    • Probiotic effects that may include prevention of small intestinal bacterial overgrowth, SIBO

The majority of benefits are a result of L. reuteri‘s ability to provoke hypothalamic release of oxytocin, a hormone that is proving to be the key to substantial age-reversal and health effects.

You will need:

–Glass or ceramic bowl or other vessel large enough to hold at least one quart of liquid
–2 tablespoons of prebiotic fiber such as inulin or raw potato starch
–Starter: Either 10 tablets BioGaia Gastrus or 2 tablespoons previous batch of L. reuteri yogurt (whey or curds or mixture of both)
–1 quart of half-and-half or other liquid (to make with coconut milk, several additional steps and ingredients are required)
–Some method of maintaining at 100 degrees F

Yields: Around 8 one-half-cup servings

Make sure your bowl or other vessel is clean after washing with hot soap and water:

Add 2 level tablespoons of prebiotic fiber:

Add 10 crushed tablets of Gastrus (that provide 200 million CFUs of L. reuteri, a relatively small number). Crush the tablets with a mortar and pestle or by putting into a plastic bag and crushing with a rolling pin or heavy bottle/glass until reduced to a coarse powder. (The tablets are flavored with mint and mandarin, but the taste does not show in the final product, nor in subsequent batches.) Once you have made your first batch, make subsequent batches with two tablespoons of the prior batch, rather than crushed tablets; it can be any mixture of whey or solid curds, as both contain L. reuteri.

Mix either crushed tablets or 2 tablespoons prior yogurt with prebiotic fiber:

Add a little, e.g., 2 tablespoons, of your choice of dairy; I used organic half-and-half, as this yields the best texture (and, of course, we NEVER limit fat in the Wheat Belly lifestyle). Make a slurry by stirring; this prevents clumping of the prebiotic fiber. (Whole milk—NEVER low- or non-fat—yields a thinner end result, while cream yields something close to butter, too thick for my taste.)

Stir in remainder of half-and-half or other liquid:

Cover lightly with plastic wrap or other means. Ferment by maintaining at 100 degrees F for 36 hours. Prolonged fermentation—far longer than the 6 or so hours of commercial yogurts that explain why the bacterial counts are so low–in the presence of prebiotic fibers yields far higher bacterial counts in the tens to hundreds of billions per serving.

I used a basin-type sous vide device, but you can use a stick sous vide, yogurt maker with adjustable temperature control, or Instant Pot. (Just be careful with the Instant Pot or yogurt makers without adjustable temperature, as they are set to be compatible with conventional yogurt microorganisms and are often too hot and kill L. reuteri; if your device heats to 110 degrees F or higher, it will likely kill L. reuteri and you should find an alternative means of heating.  If in doubt, turn on your device and measure the temperature reached with a thermometer first before you ruin a batch.) Keep your materials out of the way of fans, heating/cooling vents, or other sources of air contamination.

The end-result for me is rich, thick, and delicious, better tasting—and with far higher probiotic bacterial counts—than anything you can buy in a store. Once refrigerated, the “yogurt” is so thick that it can stand upright on a plate:

Serve with fresh or frozen berries, grainless granola, squirt of liquid stevia, or your choice of fruit or natural sweetener.

One Day

and suddenly you wake up
and the world is no longer
built
for you
you are
now
left handed
now
one legged
now
one armed
now
the ambulance driver is an ultra conservative jock jerk
sit down before you fall on someone !
as you try to say you need the washroom
but
now
your mouth no longer works
now
you can no longer swallow

with force of will
over 6 months
in hospital
you climb out of bed
you climb out of the wheelchair
two years goes by
you discard the walker
50% you don’t use the cane
every other day
you are in the gym

you live in a province of fascists
who hate you
you use their taxes
to live on
you are disorderly
without order
‘special’ needs
you aren’t special
as you compete ‘unfairly’ for the sympathy
that they ‘deserve’ for their plight
their world is unfair
Hard Luck Rivalry
behind the eugenics
Hitler sent you to the camps
cutting costs

they bump you on the stairs at the gym
hard
as you struggle down
unable to get out of their way
like hockey bully enforcers
on the hard ice
of no social skills
compassion
or
empathy

or else they force their
Virtue Signaling
standing at the top of the stairs
holding the door open
showing their physical superiority
intimidating
standing in the doorway
so you can’t get past
a no win situation
smell their armpit
or suffer their displeasure
and risk their complaint but
not realizing they are on camera
‘both of us won’t fit in that door’
‘I’m holding it open for you’
‘both of us won’t fit in that door’
fine then and
stomps off like an angry 4 year old

as narcissist coward predators hunt victims that can’t fight back
this is the new normal