The Unpardonable Sin

The unpardonable sin. The everlasting wrong. Sobbing and sobbing, never to be consoled. – Patrick O’Brian, The Fortunes of War.
With these words I was reminded of ‘relationship’ with narcissists I’d known and chosen to trust.
And the consequences.
When it got to the part, as it eventually does, of asking for what you want, in relationship, I was no longer being ‘nice’.
I had been chosen for being a ‘nice guy’. One who does not have needs expressed, making the narcissist uncomfortable, for they have nothing to offer.
I mean they were out the door as soon as they were bored anyway, I just never saw it coming. But like the blue water sailor approaching a continent, I felt the loom of the land, something of a lee shore, imminent disaster, the narcissist loves chaos.
So after months and even years of this anxiety it finally happens, they fuck off with their new beau accusing you of some everlasting wrong, smearing you to all your friends, poisoning relationships left and right.
What good can I make of this?


trust

what is it?
I was raised by conservative narcissists
all narcissists are liars
I am afraid 
I don’t trust anybody
blind trust
is no trust
blinded by the charm
to create trust

The Problem

I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good.
I can't trust their approval or their evaluation of do well

Other people must do “the right thing” or else they are no good and deserve to be punished.
I can’t trust them to do the right thing.

Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience
I can't trust life

The Way Out

Is there any evidence that I am no good? The only evidence I can find is that their likes and dislikes only describe them, this I can trust.

Where is it written that others must? Just because I prefer it, does that mean I must have it?

It’s a pain, but it’s not awful

Accept Accept Accept
The purpose of life is satisfaction
What good can I make of this?

 

 

Anniversary

So. This is my anniversary.
20 years since smoking cessation
32 since habitual pot/booze was a factor in my life
I was very anxious
The people that I had counted on to nurture and protect me
Abandoned me as a child
Then they attacked me
Guilt, as it was all my fault, I was groomed to believe
I was responsible for the attack
I had asked people who had nothing to give
For what I wanted.
They hate that
They abandon and attack
Then smear
Overvalue Undervalue Dump Smear

This was my Mom, and siblings
My Dad died of lung cancer and left me in the care of a narcissist Mom
Who abdicated her responsibilities and left me to my animal siblings
Narcissists in training, nothing to give, abandonment & attacking
Grooming me to care for her
My only way to gain affection, as a reward.
Codependent in training
Groomed with Fear Obligation Guilt

So I learned not to ask for what I want to fear the guilt-attack consequence
Asking will get you abandoned, dumped
Raging at the world for not anticipating my needs
My needs are not a priority anyway I knew
So I never asked again All or Nothing became my life
Anxious to please to not get attacked and dumped

By age 12 I was a pack a day man.
Roll your owns, the only skill my mother taught me.
Because it was cheaper for her.
I had taught myself to tie my own shoes
And to read
When I ran from the bullies into the library
They knew I wouldn’t fight back
No one taught me to fight back
That it was OK to defend myself
To hurt others
As the slaves hurt the slave owners
By being free

I taught myself logistics of planning escape routes
From stupid violent people at age 6 who hunted me
I became the best dispatcher in the city
Fleets of 400 vehicles to manage for 20 years
The stupid people drove the cars
I the codependent took care of them

Holding my anger down with cigarettes and pot
Living in a drug induced haze
And anxiety
Is today the day I will get fired?
A self fulfilling prophecy.

So I went to my love
Art School
There I learned that the designers are codependent and please others
The Artists please themselves

As I started to ask for what I want, my wife threw me out
Narcissists manipulate by withholding sex
Almost impossible to tell till you are in it
The are overvalue-love-bombing and very convincing liars
I sought therapy
Assertiveness training
Cognitive rational therapy REBT
I deprogrammed me from over anxiety and rage
Yoga and religion down the drain too
No longer sucking my resources
With nothing to give back
Guilt-attacked for asking

I find that asking for what I want is still scary
There is a tension that exists before the relationship
Gets better
Or ends
Sometimes a risk is fun too
Being alone has the joys of solitude
So nothing to lose in the asking, reasonably

Sometimes at the gym I try to make friends
When I go I do stroke recovery these days
So many gym rats have nothing to offer
They see me as a gimp a crip a drain on their resources
The Yoga people are actively hostile
They are there to Look Good In Bed
Pissed that I ask for friendship in a coffee a chat
Whats your email I’ll get back to you
As sincere in their fake empathy as a used car salesman with his prospect
No proof in that pudding

Either way
Problem solved
I know where I stand
No longer in over anxiety
Sucking chemicals to feel better
Like my Dad who was abandoned and attacked by his
Awful angeraholic Scottish father and codependent Irish mother
They sent 6 of their kids to live at the Salvation Army
Their needs being an inconvenience
Dad killed his lungs with chemicals to the point of cancer at age 40
Self harming
To feel better
From the incest-like abuse
Of being attacked by the one you are supposed to trust
To care for you

So this is the anniversary of my self care initiation
Happy Birthday to me!

Heartbreak Alley

Heart broken
I am broken
I didn’t do relationship right
Obviously
Because she left
So
It’s all my fault
That she didn’t keep her promise
That she wasn’t loyal
That I am broken

or

She didn’t keep her promise
Because she is not sincere
She left because
I asked for what I want
To Deepen Relationship
She Had Nothing to Offer
She Didn’t Keep Her Promise
Of Love
Because She Is A Liar
She Slept With Another
Because She Is Bored
She Craves Chaos

conclusion

I am not Broken
Disappointed yes
Even Devastated
But Not Broken

Overvalue, Undervalue, Dump, Smear

From my family, particularly my Mother, to my siblings, acquaintances, through my spiritual search for connection that I didn’t receive at home, (my father died of a lung cancer he found in a coal mine); to co-workers and colleagues, my search for family and connection utopia brought only more pain that I was seeking to relieve.

I didn’t mention marriage in that list, for even though I went through the ceremony, there wasn’t even an attempt to sustain relationship from the partner who chose me and suggested the rites.

I was sought out, a victim of the hunt, of a predator, really a series of predators, searching for their utopia of never being bored. Hurt and vulnerable, intelligent, artistic and good looking I was the prime target, then the competitor to be killed, the person to be blamed for their mental health issues when it turned out that what I wanted was a boring old sane stable relationship where healthy people assert their rights and ask for what they want to deepen relationship. This, as it turns out, is the garlic repelling the vampire, they leave a trail of smear going out the door. Rinse repeat.

The problem with the list of my ‘crimes’ was that I believed them. I believed in belief. They had to leave, it was all my fault. I had asked for what I wanted, the cardinal sin. Since they had nothing to give, they left, blaming me.

The healing for the pain: Is there any evidence for the belief? This is the prime deprogramming question whether it is from being convinced of original sin in western Christianity, reincarnation because you are a loser in the Dali Lama’s Tibetan Buddhism, or my ‘wife’ who is controlling by withholding sex, similar to advanced yoga at the Ashram, by saying it is my fault due to poor technique because I asked for what I want.

Assertiveness training saved me. How to ask for what you want from people who scare you. I had a lot of scare. It turns out over-anxiety is a consequence of the belief that I can’t handle life and I must be liked. Evidence based psychology sustains me. Where is the evidence that I can’t handle life, and I must be liked? There never is any as here I am alive and capable of creating some form of satisfaction for myself. Based on pretty obvious evidence.

Where is your family? was often asked of me at the hospital during my 6 month stay doing stroke rehab. Why I’m right here, I would reply. Most thought I was brain damaged from the stoke I’m sure.

Any time I’ve been in trouble, those who were merely acquaintances, as it suddenly turned out, that I saw as close, similar to a family feeling of loyalty, fucked off.

Well we are not available to spend a week visiting was the put off from Rob and Rose, when I asked to crash at their house in Victoria. Not that I asked for that level of creepy closeness, I asked to be alone with the ocean after being dumped by a devastating narcissist. They had on 3 occasions come to live with me during the housing shortages when Rob returned to school. He went on to marry his daughter emotionally, started a business with her, his wife denying him by being sunk in depression. The kid becomes the wife, taking care of Dad’s emotional needs for partnership (at least), typically conservative (he’s an RCMP cop) by making relationship a business deal. A very competitive family, running a karate school cult, anxious and hostile with the wife and and daughter competing for Dad. Incest by any other name smells like shit.

The devastation and the damage, comes from believing that these losses are all my fault, that I asked for what I wanted, making them leave.

Recently Theresa a former girlfriend I had stayed in touch with on FB now living in Little Rock Arkansas took a trip back to visit family, and asked to visit me. A visit she found boring based on her lack of enthusiasm as she was doing a social chore. When I asked to deepen the connection by communicating on social media, she refused saying it felt like emotional infidelity. Nothing to offer, she left, smearing, going out the door. Blaming.

Rinse repeat.

I have been supposedly socially isolated for a couple of years now doing stroke recovery, but not really. I am grateful for social media, my social skills, and for my own company.

One Day

and suddenly you wake up
and the world is no longer
built
for you
you are
now
left handed
now
one legged
now
one armed
now
the ambulance driver is an ultra conservative jock jerk
sit down before you fall on someone !
as you try to say you need the washroom
but
now
your mouth no longer works
now
you can no longer swallow

with force of will
over 6 months
in hospital
you climb out of bed
you climb out of the wheelchair
two years goes by
you discard the walker
50% you don’t use the cane
every other day
you are in the gym

you live in a province of fascists
who hate you
you use their taxes
to live on
you are disorderly
without order
‘special’ needs
you aren’t special
as you compete ‘unfairly’ for the sympathy
that they ‘deserve’ for their plight
their world is unfair
Hard Luck Rivalry
behind the eugenics
Hitler sent you to the camps
cutting costs

they bump you on the stairs at the gym
hard
as you struggle down
unable to get out of their way
like hockey bully enforcers
on the hard ice
of no social skills
compassion
or
empathy

or else they force their
Virtue Signaling
standing at the top of the stairs
holding the door open
showing their physical superiority
intimidating
standing in the doorway
so you can’t get past
a no win situation
smell their armpit
or suffer their displeasure
and risk their complaint but
not realizing they are on camera
‘both of us won’t fit in that door’
‘I’m holding it open for you’
‘both of us won’t fit in that door’
fine then and
stomps off like an angry 4 year old

as narcissist coward predators hunt victims that can’t fight back
this is the new normal




Valid

to be valid
or invalid
depends on 
someone/thing
external/internal
which validates me
a credential
of worth
a condition of self esteem
“the greatest illness known to mankind” –Albert Ellis
is a tree valid?
only if its good for something
that answer = all depression and anxiety

Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it’s conditional. Dr Albert Ellis

Empathy

em·pa·thy
/ˈempəTHē/
rapport with
sympathy with
understanding of
sensitivity toward
sensibility to
identification with
awareness of
fellowship with
fellow feeling for
like-mindedness
togetherness
closeness to
chemistry

If I ask for empathy from folks, or am perceived to by being injured, simply walking into the gym recovering from a stroke for example, 50% of the population respond with hostility. Covert or overt. Sociopaths, borderlines, narcissists simply don’t have empathy. Their m.o. is that if it is asked of them, to deepen understanding and relationship, they leave in an anxious and hostile manner. In order to look good, they blame me for asking, or existing, then they smear. They had to leave its all my fault.

My family. I asked for family connection, close ties, and since they are not capable of creating adult relationships I’m scapegoated and they leave, throwing rocks. Being the youngest, with no functional parents, and no siblings with empathy, I was orphaned, and raised myself. Cold, alone, dirty, and hungry always wondering what is normal. I was forced to share a bed with a sibling who beat me daily physically and emotionally.

Eventually the siblings were removed by social workers to foster homes and I began to bloom. An interest in art, music, literature especially gave me top marks and honour rolls at school while being beaten after school by the kids of drunken trades people, chased home daily. I often took refuge in the library, where I found the staff had empathy at a distance, at least they didn’t judge my choices. From Steinbeck to Dr. Suess to Everything a Boy Needs to Know About Sex. I was researching ‘normal’.

So it comes as no surprise to me that since I wear my empathy, my concern for others, like all my emotions, on my face that I am hated for my empathy for they have none and it makes them look bad.They hate to look bad.So they attack going out the door.

So when I walk into the gym, limping and gaining satisfaction from caring for others, I am a target for their hostility.

The gym teacher suddenly becomes hosile when I ask for information. Is this machine in use?  Lashes out, name calling, then complains about me tries to get me removed.

A patron who intrusively tries to help unasked and is rejected, no thank you, becomes anxious, doesn’t look good, lashes out. Well fuck you! Reported and asked to leave.

The management staff is pissed when it is pointed out that the parking for handicapped is full of ice, dangerous to walk on. Put offs abound. Finally the mayor is invoked at the city facility. Sent him a tweet. Meetings, inquisitions, are held, I invoke my qualifications in conflict resolution, my lack or attacks on others, my right to invoke my rights.

They offer to hire me, love bombing, but on a volunteer basis, I decline and suggest an invoiced professional rate, they decline, I go back to the gym, recovering from emotional attacks by their staff and the the ice they can’t seem to understand and clean from their handicapped parking. The building has existed since 1968 and they haven’t figured out it snows in the winter and the physically challenged, as well as everybody else, are mobility challenged and at risk on ice.

That would take empathy. Managers aren’t known for it, many are there just to look good.

Eventually I’ll be dumped and smeared, now that the love bombing has started on a management level. Overvalue, undervalue, dump, smear. In the meantime I’ll explore my options and get lots of exercise.

The REBT psychotherapy viewpoint is that they are that way so they should be that way. Accept accept accept. My mechanics viewpoint is to just turn up the music and ignore the defects that either can’t be fixed or too expensive to fix. 

I seek satisfaction watching crazy folks run around in their underwear staring at themselves in wall to wall mirrors. And good earbuds.

I watch Burn After Reading for the empathy of Joel and Ethan Coen. Thanks guys.

 

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