So. This is my anniversary.
20 years since smoking cessation
32 since habitual pot/booze was a factor in my life
I was very anxious
The people that I had counted on to nurture and protect me
Abandoned me as a child
Then they attacked me
Guilt, as it was all my fault, I was groomed to believe
I was responsible for the attack
I had asked people who had nothing to give
For what I wanted.
They hate that
They abandon and attack
Overvalue Undervalue Dump Smear
This was my Mom, and siblings
My Dad died of lung cancer and left me in the care of a narcissist Mom
Who abdicated her responsibilities and left me to my animal siblings
Narcissists in training, nothing to give, abandonment & attacking
Grooming me to care for her
My only way to gain affection, as a reward.
Codependent in training
Groomed with Fear Obligation Guilt
So I learned not to ask for what I want to fear the guilt-attack consequence
Asking will get you abandoned, dumped
Raging at the world for not anticipating my needs
My needs are not a priority anyway I knew
So I never asked again All or Nothing became my life
Anxious to please to not get attacked and dumped
By age 12 I was a pack a day man.
Roll your owns, the only skill my mother taught me.
Because it was cheaper for her.
I had taught myself to tie my own shoes
And to read
When I ran from the bullies into the library
They knew I wouldn’t fight back
No one taught me to fight back
That it was OK to defend myself
To hurt others
As the slaves hurt the slave owners
By being free
I taught myself logistics of planning escape routes
From stupid violent people at age 6 who hunted me
I became the best dispatcher in the city
Fleets of 400 vehicles to manage for 20 years
The stupid people drove the cars
I the codependent took care of them
Holding my anger down with cigarettes and pot
Living in a drug induced haze
Is today the day I will get fired?
A self fulfilling prophecy.
So I went to my love
There I learned that the designers are codependent and please others
The Artists please themselves
As I started to ask for what I want, my wife threw me out
Narcissists manipulate by withholding sex
Almost impossible to tell till you are in it
The are overvalue-love-bombing and very convincing liars
I sought therapy
Cognitive rational therapy REBT
I deprogrammed me from over anxiety and rage
Yoga and religion down the drain too
No longer sucking my resources
With nothing to give back
Guilt-attacked for asking
I find that asking for what I want is still scary
There is a tension that exists before the relationship
Sometimes a risk is fun too
Being alone has the joys of solitude
So nothing to lose in the asking, reasonably
Sometimes at the gym I try to make friends
When I go I do stroke recovery these days
So many gym rats have nothing to offer
They see me as a gimp a crip a drain on their resources
The Yoga people are actively hostile
They are there to Look Good In Bed
Pissed that I ask for friendship in a coffee a chat
Whats your email I’ll get back to you
As sincere in their fake empathy as a used car salesman with his prospect
No proof in that pudding
I know where I stand
No longer in over anxiety
Sucking chemicals to feel better
Like my Dad who was abandoned and attacked by his
Awful angeraholic Scottish father and codependent Irish mother
They sent 6 of their kids to live at the Salvation Army
Their needs being an inconvenience
Dad killed his lungs with chemicals to the point of cancer at age 40
To feel better
From the incest-like abuse
Of being attacked by the one you are supposed to trust
To care for you
So this is the anniversary of my self care initiation
Happy Birthday to me!
Heart broken I am broken I didn’t do relationship right Obviously Because she left So It’s all my fault That she didn’t keep her promise That she wasn’t loyal That I am broken
She didn’t keep her promise Because she is not sincere She left because I asked for what I want To Deepen Relationship She Had Nothing to Offer She Didn’t Keep Her Promise Of Love Because She Is A Liar She Slept With Another Because She Is Bored She Craves Chaos
I am not Broken Disappointed yes Even Devastated But Not Broken
From my family, particularly my Mother, to my siblings, acquaintances, through my spiritual search for connection that I didn’t receive at home, (my father died of a lung cancer he found in a coal mine); to co-workers and colleagues, my search for family and connection utopia brought only more pain that I was seeking to relieve.
I didn’t mention marriage in that list, for even though I went through the ceremony, there wasn’t even an attempt to sustain relationship from the partner who chose me and suggested the rites.
I was sought out, a victim of the hunt, of a predator, really a series of predators, searching for their utopia of never being bored. Hurt and vulnerable, intelligent, artistic and good looking I was the prime target, then the competitor to be killed, the person to be blamed for their mental health issues when it turned out that what I wanted was a boring old sane stable relationship where healthy people assert their rights and ask for what they want to deepen relationship. This, as it turns out, is the garlic repelling the vampire, they leave a trail of smear going out the door. Rinse repeat.
The problem with the list of my ‘crimes’ was that I believed them. I believed in belief. They had to leave, it was all my fault. I had asked for what I wanted, the cardinal sin. Since they had nothing to give, they left, blaming me.
The healing for the pain: Is there any evidence for the belief? This is the prime deprogramming question whether it is from being convinced of original sin in western Christianity, reincarnation because you are a loser in the Dali Lama’s Tibetan Buddhism, or my ‘wife’ who is controlling by withholding sex, similar to advanced yoga at the Ashram, by saying it is my fault due to poor technique because I asked for what I want.
Assertiveness training saved me. How to ask for what you want from people who scare you. I had a lot of scare. It turns out over-anxiety is a consequence of the belief that I can’t handle life and I must be liked. Evidence based psychology sustains me. Where is the evidence that I can’t handle life, and I must be liked? There never is any as here I am alive and capable of creating some form of satisfaction for myself. Based on pretty obvious evidence.
Where is your family? was often asked of me at the hospital during my 6 month stay doing stroke rehab. Why I’m right here, I would reply. Most thought I was brain damaged from the stoke I’m sure.
Any time I’ve been in trouble, those who were merely acquaintances, as it suddenly turned out, that I saw as close, similar to a family feeling of loyalty, fucked off.
Well we are not available to spend a week visiting was the put off from Rob and Rose, when I asked to crash at their house in Victoria. Not that I asked for that level of creepy closeness, I asked to be alone with the ocean after being dumped by a devastating narcissist. They had on 3 occasions come to live with me during the housing shortages when Rob returned to school. He went on to marry his daughter emotionally, started a business with her, his wife denying him by being sunk in depression. The kid becomes the wife, taking care of Dad’s emotional needs for partnership (at least), typically conservative (he’s an RCMP cop) by making relationship a business deal. A very competitive family, running a karate school cult, anxious and hostile with the wife and and daughter competing for Dad. Incest by any other name smells like shit.
The devastation and the damage, comes from believing that these losses are all my fault, that I asked for what I wanted, making them leave.
Recently Theresa a former girlfriend I had stayed in touch with on FB now living in Little Rock Arkansas took a trip back to visit family, and asked to visit me. A visit she found boring based on her lack of enthusiasm as she was doing a social chore. When I asked to deepen the connection by communicating on social media, she refused saying it felt like emotional infidelity. Nothing to offer, she left, smearing, going out the door. Blaming.
I have been supposedly socially isolated for a couple of years now doing stroke recovery, but not really. I am grateful for social media, my social skills, and for my own company.
and suddenly you wake up and the world is no longer built for you you are now left handed now one legged now one armed now the ambulance driver is an ultra conservative jock jerk sit down before you fall on someone ! as you try to say you need the washroom but now your mouth no longer works now you can no longer swallow
with force of will over 6 months in hospital you climb out of bed you climb out of the wheelchair two years goes by you discard the walker 50% you don’t use the cane every other day you are in the gym
you live in a province of fascists who hate you you use their taxes to live on you are disorderly without order ‘special’ needs you aren’t special as you compete ‘unfairly’ for the sympathy that they ‘deserve’ for their plight their world is unfair Hard Luck Rivalry behind the eugenics Hitler sent you to the camps cutting costs
they bump you on the stairs at the gym hard as you struggle down unable to get out of their way like hockey bully enforcers on the hard ice of no social skills compassion or empathy
or else they force their Virtue Signaling standing at the top of the stairs holding the door open showing their physical superiority intimidating standing in the doorway so you can’t get past a no win situation smell their armpit or suffer their displeasure and risk their complaint but not realizing they are on camera ‘both of us won’t fit in that door’ ‘I’m holding it open for you’ ‘both of us won’t fit in that door’ fine then and stomps off like an angry 4 year old
as narcissist coward predators hunt victims that can’t fight back this is the new normal
to be valid or invalid depends on someone/thing external/internal which validates me a credential of worth a condition of self esteem “the greatest illness known to mankind” –Albert Ellis is a tree valid? only if its good for something that answer = all depression and anxiety
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
fellow feeling for
If I ask for empathy from folks, or am perceived to by being injured, simply walking into the gym recovering from a stroke for example, 50% of the population respond with hostility. Covert or overt. Sociopaths, borderlines, narcissists simply don’t have empathy. Their m.o. is that if it is asked of them, to deepen understanding and relationship, they leave in an anxious and hostile manner. In order to look good, they blame me for asking, or existing, then they smear. They had to leave its all my fault.
My family. I asked for family connection, close ties, and since they are not capable of creating adult relationships I’m scapegoated and they leave, throwing rocks. Being the youngest, with no functional parents, and no siblings with empathy, I was orphaned, and raised myself. Cold, alone, dirty, and hungry always wondering what is normal. I was forced to share a bed with a sibling who beat me daily physically and emotionally.
Eventually the siblings were removed by social workers to foster homes and I began to bloom. An interest in art, music, literature especially gave me top marks and honour rolls at school while being beaten after school by the kids of drunken trades people, chased home daily. I often took refuge in the library, where I found the staff had empathy at a distance, at least they didn’t judge my choices. From Steinbeck to Dr. Suess to Everything a Boy Needs to Know About Sex. I was researching ‘normal’.
So it comes as no surprise to me that since I wear my empathy, my concern for others, like all my emotions, on my face that I am hated for my empathy for they have none and it makes them look bad.They hate to look bad.So they attack going out the door.
So when I walk into the gym, limping and gaining satisfaction from caring for others, I am a target for their hostility.
The gym teacher suddenly becomes hosile when I ask for information. Is this machine in use? Lashes out, name calling, then complains about me tries to get me removed.
A patron who intrusively tries to help unasked and is rejected, no thank you, becomes anxious, doesn’t look good, lashes out. Well fuck you! Reported and asked to leave.
The management staff is pissed when it is pointed out that the parking for handicapped is full of ice, dangerous to walk on. Put offs abound. Finally the mayor is invoked at the city facility. Sent him a tweet. Meetings, inquisitions, are held, I invoke my qualifications in conflict resolution, my lack or attacks on others, my right to invoke my rights.
They offer to hire me, love bombing, but on a volunteer basis, I decline and suggest an invoiced professional rate, they decline, I go back to the gym, recovering from emotional attacks by their staff and the the ice they can’t seem to understand and clean from their handicapped parking. The building has existed since 1968 and they haven’t figured out it snows in the winter and the physically challenged, as well as everybody else, are mobility challenged and at risk on ice.
That would take empathy. Managers aren’t known for it, many are there just to look good.
Eventually I’ll be dumped and smeared, now that the love bombing has started on a management level. Overvalue, undervalue, dump, smear. In the meantime I’ll explore my options and get lots of exercise.
The REBT psychotherapy viewpoint is that they are that way so they should be that way. Accept accept accept. My mechanics viewpoint is to just turn up the music and ignore the defects that either can’t be fixed or too expensive to fix.
I seek satisfaction watching crazy folks run around in their underwear staring at themselves in wall to wall mirrors. And good earbuds.
I get Why should I invest in you — when you are my inferior? An in-valid. Or They treated me with obvious goodwill and kindness. How to tell? Same way you tell anywhere. Unconditional acceptance Of my self reliant adulthood, Willing to be available if asked Or I must be liked and accepted or I am a shit So I will do this for you at great cost to myself So I may signal my virtue I must be liked. So don’t get in my way and compete with me for likes. For you must do the right thing, whatever I decide that is or you are a shit and I can’t stand this inconvenience.
There is only one of me. I am a unique individual, one of a kind. Therefore I have value,Whether I am young Or old Fat or thin Tall or short I accept myself as a unique work of art Vastly interesting Fascinating Endlessly changing Person of limitless possibilities (I think of Steven Hawking, wheelchair bound, immobile, scientist, professor, husband and father if I happen to contemplate my `inability’ to create satisfaction in my life) Because:I am always in this process of change Therefore:I cannot be a finished perfect`Anything’ (Insert label here [if you must]) This imperfection (by definition) has no bearing whatsoever On my `value’ or `worth’ I have value or worth because I am a unique one of a kind piece of very fine constantly evolving art that has perhaps not existed before and perhaps may not again And in my mind, so are you. So I take pleasure in you, simply because I want it, A real Treasure. Blackstock ‘07
So, living alone with my cat, I woke up confused, my arm and leg sometimes working In that moment I lost my home, my cat and everything I owned, including friends/family that wouldn’t even visit in the coming months. 1/
But I had rebtnetwork.org taught to me on facebook by a guy dying of liver cancer and not upset about it . If it is to be it is up to me.OK then. Paddy Johnson @artfcity suggested a gofundme Cliff Eyland @CliffEyland bought a print and he donated as well 2/
this got my possessions into storage and coffee money and kept my cell phone going. my facebook and twitter friends I had never met but like me donated. so I wrote 2 books on a tablet in the hosp coffee shop each morning before physio. my narcissist fiance never showed once 3/
so I learned about female narcissism https://shrink4men.com/ and wrote about my experience of it. my single mother was one so I had raised myself in the library, lonely and anxious always and here life was repeating, I was in trouble and alone, but the same tools I could read 4/
write and learn. So I did. So I am. Since the stroke didn’t affect my cognitive functions I was able to search out psychological help, and the hospital gave me physical help. 5000.00 a day for a bed, nurses, 4 specialists, physio, for 6 months and 3 months outpatient at unknown 5/
cost. Recently a twitter writer bought my book and offered to review it in trade for reviewing hers. So I did. She described mine as self pity and couldn’t understand the personal history format I learned from reading the New Yorker mag. No empathy for any loss but hers 6/
If it is to be it is up to me, If I were to be heavily reliant on others, rather than appropriately so, teachers, mechanics, doctors etc I would not like myself or my life. This my responsibility, to create satisfaction, this is the purpose of life to find satisfaction 7/
For instance an attractive woman sidles up to me in the grocery, I am pushing a cart, my cane is obvious, a wedding ring on her hand. Oh you poor man! in a seductive tone, how can I help? 8/
Help? I don’t obviously require any, she must be in this to look good, uh ok what are your feelings on adultery, I ask? Offended that she should be seen as fucking less than the most physically able specimen, she leaves with an awful look on her face. This makes my day 🙂