Clothing Optional Rant Eulogy

About Cliff on CBC
Went to the mountains today after hearing that Cliff had passed
stopped at Deadman’s Flats, ironically, and listened to
Bob Dylan sing she’s never gone as long as she’s inside you
So this sense of connection is a choice

Choose a sense of connection

Dr.David Burns said fighting is an intimate connection
and a choice to connect with resentment
so choose to be connected
choose to be not connected

They don’t have to be in the same room
to enjoy this feeling this sense of connection
or even on the same planet
or even in the same time period
I feel very connected to my favourite writer
long passed away
to read his words is to read his mind
To see Cliff’s artwork
is to see and feel him
what he valued and loved and connected to

Some connections, like with Cliff, I value extremely
and will always be with me

A Real Treasure

I posted things like this on dating sites, hoping to meet someone with a sense of humour. About me: Art degree with a major in gynecology. I’m not a doctor but I’m willing to have a look. About you: You have sufficient musicality to be able to hum the William Tell overture complete with cannon. You can view this handy instruction video here

It didn’t work too well for dating but I had fun which come to think of it, is why I wanted to date. Win/win.

2. I really like Coen brothers movie The Big Labowski. Reminds me of growing up in redneck Calgary with an equally bizarre underground drug culture of stoned weirdo’s. I see that they were all aspiring to be Scots:

3. I recently changed my genes and their expression of diabetes and heart disease in 3 months by reading this guys book and doing what he suggested. After an ultrasound and a thallium stress test the cardiologist said I went from a candidate for a heart attack to having the blood pressure of a fit 35 year old. My blood sugar is now normal.  CHANGING LIFESTYLE CHANGES GENE EXPRESSION A Talk with Dean Ornish. The science is better explained here though: Sugar the Bitter Truth.

14. I’m an ordained minister. At least I think I am. After spending 10 bucks on the Internet they sent me this handy email, so it must be true: Congratulations, You are now a legally ordained minister at the First Church of Atheism!

5. I’m an initiated yogi. Hang around Ashrams long enough and someone will eventually initiate you. I’m not sure what it means but at least they didn’t ask me for the deed to my house. I gave all that up for REBT. See#7

6. I am an INFJ  in the Myers Briggs personality type system. Rarest of all types I relate to 1 person in 200. So I’m on the outside observing. Same type as Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King. Oh yes and God help me Shirley McLean as well. I hope I’m not channeling an ancient Egyptian cause that would be like weird. Find out your type here.

7. My Dad died when I was 2 from lung cancer, he was a coal miner. I grew up in a state of anxiety in poverty and abuse. I medicated the effects of that with sugar, then nicotine, and then pot and dropped all that for yoga/religion. Finally I found Albert Ellis, the foremost psychotherapist of the last century, read a couple of his books and dropped all that other stuff entirely.

8. When I was 40, after a brief career as an addictions counselor, and a longer career in transportation logistics, I went to art school. For 6 years. A process where every 3 months your work is put before the foremost artists in the land, and they decide if you get another 3 months of school. This process I engaged and did well at, 3 times on the President’s honour role, earned 2 degrees, while watching it tire and burn out 18 year olds. Only 100 graduated of 800 entry submissions. Then I taught there for 10 years, specializing in Adult Education.

9. During Art School I was married to a woman who developed a terminal degenerative brain disease (Huntingtons) that affected her personality and emotions negatively and was very difficult on relationship, to put it mildly. We finished up at the same time as I lost my brother as well as my best oldest friend, both to cancer. I lost relationship, my house, studio and my business and family. I was 50 and I started over. What choice do you have? A social worker recently said to me, Jerald you must have been devastated. Is that what you call that? Oh. Now I know.

10. I have taught painting and drawing in the faculty of extension (adult education), having earned an adult education certificate, at local Art Collages and University.

11. I have practiced art as therapy, (using the creative model) in long term care institutions, with people with incurable illness, as they degenerate into slow demise.

12. I learned Photoshop and the internet at art school and eventually spent a few years making a decent living producing images for internet advertising, until the customers left for India and their attractive economy. I would go back to this if I found the right gig. Selling crap to Americans using fear I find to be morally reprehensible, generally speaking. Besides, design isn’t art as I understand it and I prefer to practice my art. Perhaps in the right gig……

13. I have resolved this: If a person I care about doesn’t return my love, I can seek out others who will love me. I could devote more time to my hobbies and other enjoyable pursuits. I can teach myself to enjoy life without a lover. Then if (and when) I do find a lover, I can be doubly happy. I can practice unconditional self acceptance and accept myself with or without a lover.

14. I used to irrationally believe in astrology. I can’t explain what pleased me about it or why I found it to make sense but it just did (confirmation bias). As a Virgo I find this a very strange belief. Must be my Pisces rising and Cancer moon having an effect.

15. Picasso and I are both born in the year of the Snake in Chinese astrology. When I read his quotes I find myself satisfied and vindicated as an artist. Such as: Success is dangerous. One begins to copy oneself, and to copy oneself is more dangerous than to copy others. It leads to sterility. Also: The people who make art their business are mostly impostors.

16. Cameras for me are a delight, as they handle the details, as do computers. I am vaguely interested in the settings of the machines, but mostly revel in the happy accidents of the technology of art, whether it is the chemistry of paint or the code of a flash presentation. To me, it’s all ways to intuitively express my feelings in depth, and it’s impossible to predict the outcome. Don’t ask me how I did something in Photoshop or Painter, I really don’t know. I just push buttons until I get happy then quit.

17. Beth, my  former lover, died when we were 17 or so. of a brain tumor. She said to me, “I’m going to die aren’t I”?  It was the hardest question I ever had to answer.

18. Glenda Ferster, my former lover, died when she was about 21. She was killed by her taxi passenger, an inmate of a mental institution on leave, while she was driving cab. He raped her and left her body in the bush near Exshaw Alberta. It was the hardest funeral I ever had to attend. The search for her had been called off but the cab drivers didn’t quit. We kept going till we found her. http://www.taxi-library.org/canada/ferster-g.htm

19.The movie Good Will Hunting makes a lot of sense to me. I also was a (virtual) orphan, who was adopted by working class trade folks (transportation) who went on to higher education and career after receiving counseling.

20. I love to drive. I once worked at a bus company training their drivers. Driving heavy equipment pleases me.

21. My Taylor guitar makes the most beautiful sounds. I love everything about it, the smell the feel of my fingers on the strings. It can be loud. I call it my banjo-killer.

22. I studied voice (opera) for a year. My teacher Maudi said, “you really can’t sing can you ? All right then!

23. I got busted for a joint when I was a kid. I got a hundred dollar fine. Still can’t get into the States or work for the City due to my record. I find I don’t miss either experience.

24. I love Patrick O’Brian’s Master and Commander series of books. Read all 20. 6 times. You are the nutmeg of consolation, the rose of desire and the very flower of consideration. Ahhhhhhhhh bliss. I highly prefer character development to procedural. He is the master.

25. This is what I have come to believe from all of that:

A Real Treasure

There is only one of me.

I am a unique individual, one of a kind.

Therefore I have value,Whether I am young

Or old

Fat or thin

Tall or short

I accept myself as a unique work of art

Vastly interesting

Fascinating

Endlessly changing

Person

Of limitless possibilities (I think of Steven Hawking, wheelchair bound, immobile, scientist, professor, husband and father if I happen to contemplate my `inability’ to create satisfaction in my life)

Because:

I am always in this process of change

Therefore:

I cannot be a finished perfect`Anything’ (Insert label here [if you must])

This imperfection (by definition) has no bearing whatsoever

On my `value’ or `worth’

I have value or worth because I am a unique one of a kind piece of very fine constantly evolving art that has perhaps not existed before and perhaps may not again

And in my mind, so are you.

So I take pleasure in you, simply because I want it,

A real Treasure.

Blackstock ‘07

Predator and Prey

OK. How did it happen?

She approached me an the gym

I was sought out

Slightly handicapped

Seduced, flirted and flattered.

Chatted me up for an hour.

Walked away with my contract for training

Specialized in stroke recovery

With a side of implied romance

Oh you have made my day love bombing

Undervalued and Dumped

Didn’t respond to an email

Cancelled last minute

Our first session

Another client took it more priority

Grooming with guilt and obligation to accept

Manipulation with nice

trust

what is it?
I was raised by conservative narcissists
all narcissists are liars
I am afraid 
I don’t trust anybody
blind trust
is no trust
blinded by the charm
to create trust

The Problem

I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good.
I can't trust their approval or their evaluation of do well

Other people must do “the right thing” or else they are no good and deserve to be punished.
I can’t trust them to do the right thing.

Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience
I can't trust life

The Way Out

Is there any evidence that I am no good? The only evidence I can find is that their likes and dislikes only describe them, this I can trust.

Where is it written that others must? Just because I prefer it, does that mean I must have it?

It’s a pain, but it’s not awful

Accept Accept Accept
The purpose of life is satisfaction
What good can I make of this?

 

 

Heartbreak Alley

Heart broken
I am broken
I didn’t do relationship right
Obviously
Because she left
So
It’s all my fault
That she didn’t keep her promise
That she wasn’t loyal
That I am broken

or

She didn’t keep her promise
Because she is not sincere
She left because
I asked for what I want
To Deepen Relationship
She Had Nothing to Offer
She Didn’t Keep Her Promise
Of Love
Because She Is A Liar
She Slept With Another
Because She Is Bored
She Craves Chaos

conclusion

I am not Broken
Disappointed yes
Even Devastated
But Not Broken

How to make L. reuteri yogurt: A step-by-step guide

Making yogurt out of Lactobacillus reuteri is really a simple, straightforward process that I have been talking about for the past year. But some people get tripped up on the details, lamenting the thin, sour, or discolored end-result they obtain.

So here is the simple recipe, step-by-step to minimize your potential for making mistakes. Truly: I have made something like 60-70 batches with not a single failure. You can do this, too.

Why do this? Well, if you are new to this conversation, you will be excited to know that the yogurt is really not about yogurt, as conventional yogurts achieve none of these effects. This “yogurt” fermented with two unconventional strains of Lactobacillus reuteri achieve effects that include:

    • Smoothing of skin wrinkles due to an explosion of dermal collagen
    • Accelerated healing, cutting healing time in almost half
    • Reduced appetite, the so-called “anorexigenic” effect—food still tastes good, but you are almost completely indifferent to temptation
    • Increased testosterone in men
    • Increased libido
    • Preservation of bone density—Obtaining L. reuteri is one of the most important steps you can take to prevent osteoporosis
    • Deeper sleep—though this benefit is enjoyed by less than 20% of people
    • Increased empathy and desire for connectedness with other people
    • Probiotic effects that may include prevention of small intestinal bacterial overgrowth, SIBO

The majority of benefits are a result of L. reuteri‘s ability to provoke hypothalamic release of oxytocin, a hormone that is proving to be the key to substantial age-reversal and health effects.

You will need:

–Glass or ceramic bowl or other vessel large enough to hold at least one quart of liquid
–2 tablespoons of prebiotic fiber such as inulin or raw potato starch
–Starter: Either 10 tablets BioGaia Gastrus or 2 tablespoons previous batch of L. reuteri yogurt (whey or curds or mixture of both)
–1 quart of half-and-half or other liquid (to make with coconut milk, several additional steps and ingredients are required)
–Some method of maintaining at 100 degrees F

Yields: Around 8 one-half-cup servings

Make sure your bowl or other vessel is clean after washing with hot soap and water:

Add 2 level tablespoons of prebiotic fiber:

Add 10 crushed tablets of Gastrus (that provide 200 million CFUs of L. reuteri, a relatively small number). Crush the tablets with a mortar and pestle or by putting into a plastic bag and crushing with a rolling pin or heavy bottle/glass until reduced to a coarse powder. (The tablets are flavored with mint and mandarin, but the taste does not show in the final product, nor in subsequent batches.) Once you have made your first batch, make subsequent batches with two tablespoons of the prior batch, rather than crushed tablets; it can be any mixture of whey or solid curds, as both contain L. reuteri.

Mix either crushed tablets or 2 tablespoons prior yogurt with prebiotic fiber:

Add a little, e.g., 2 tablespoons, of your choice of dairy; I used organic half-and-half, as this yields the best texture (and, of course, we NEVER limit fat in the Wheat Belly lifestyle). Make a slurry by stirring; this prevents clumping of the prebiotic fiber. (Whole milk—NEVER low- or non-fat—yields a thinner end result, while cream yields something close to butter, too thick for my taste.)

Stir in remainder of half-and-half or other liquid:

Cover lightly with plastic wrap or other means. Ferment by maintaining at 100 degrees F for 36 hours. Prolonged fermentation—far longer than the 6 or so hours of commercial yogurts that explain why the bacterial counts are so low–in the presence of prebiotic fibers yields far higher bacterial counts in the tens to hundreds of billions per serving.

I used a basin-type sous vide device, but you can use a stick sous vide, yogurt maker with adjustable temperature control, or Instant Pot. (Just be careful with the Instant Pot or yogurt makers without adjustable temperature, as they are set to be compatible with conventional yogurt microorganisms and are often too hot and kill L. reuteri; if your device heats to 110 degrees F or higher, it will likely kill L. reuteri and you should find an alternative means of heating.  If in doubt, turn on your device and measure the temperature reached with a thermometer first before you ruin a batch.) Keep your materials out of the way of fans, heating/cooling vents, or other sources of air contamination.

The end-result for me is rich, thick, and delicious, better tasting—and with far higher probiotic bacterial counts—than anything you can buy in a store. Once refrigerated, the “yogurt” is so thick that it can stand upright on a plate:

Serve with fresh or frozen berries, grainless granola, squirt of liquid stevia, or your choice of fruit or natural sweetener.

One Day

and suddenly you wake up
and the world is no longer
built
for you
you are
now
left handed
now
one legged
now
one armed
now
the ambulance driver is an ultra conservative jock jerk
sit down before you fall on someone !
as you try to say you need the washroom
but
now
your mouth no longer works
now
you can no longer swallow

with force of will
over 6 months
in hospital
you climb out of bed
you climb out of the wheelchair
two years goes by
you discard the walker
50% you don’t use the cane
every other day
you are in the gym

you live in a province of fascists
who hate you
you use their taxes
to live on
you are disorderly
without order
‘special’ needs
you aren’t special
as you compete ‘unfairly’ for the sympathy
that they ‘deserve’ for their plight
their world is unfair
Hard Luck Rivalry
behind the eugenics
Hitler sent you to the camps
cutting costs

they bump you on the stairs at the gym
hard
as you struggle down
unable to get out of their way
like hockey bully enforcers
on the hard ice
of no social skills
compassion
or
empathy

or else they force their
Virtue Signaling
standing at the top of the stairs
holding the door open
showing their physical superiority
intimidating
standing in the doorway
so you can’t get past
a no win situation
smell their armpit
or suffer their displeasure
and risk their complaint but
not realizing they are on camera
‘both of us won’t fit in that door’
‘I’m holding it open for you’
‘both of us won’t fit in that door’
fine then and
stomps off like an angry 4 year old

as narcissist coward predators hunt victims that can’t fight back
this is the new normal